19.1.13

I'm not who i was before...

I think and rethink of what to write, maybe because i'm afraid to look inside myself and perceive my weaknesses, or maybe because i'm just afraid to open this door and get lost inside all that is there, just wainting for me to lose my strenght...
These days i have decided to enjoy the best of what life brings me, and not let myself wander about the infortunate events. But sometimes...sometimes my heart beats to fast, and aches, and leaves me suffocating....as if i'm catching my last breath to be alive...
I wonder if you are reading this, despite having blocked my blog, i'm not sure if you still get my posts through reader....
I want you to suffer as much as you made me suffer.
Funny how i have never ever felt this about anybody in my life. Even if i got angry at somebody, i would allways reason with myself and almost immediately i would change my mind. 
But you...you didn't broke my heart, despite some sadness, it'll live - like i allways said it would - no, you just changed me...
I'm still not sure if this makes me a bad person, at first i refused to admit it to myself, but now it's like the bitch in me is taking hold of her only chance to take over, and so i let her.
Maybe i'm tired of being allways too understanding, and too forgiving and overall little Miss Goody Two Shoes, but the poin is...i still want you to fell the pain that you made me feel, i still want the insecure bitch you fell in love with to hurt you, after that you can be happy and you can find love again, but not until then. 
As i write these words i question myself and a small voice inside me worns me about the power of words, and that maybe i shouldn't be writing this, but i can't keep going against what i feel...
I won't lie to myself and i am truly tired of always trying to do the right thing.
You used me much more than i ever used you, and i let you. So it is also my fault, but that is something i will not let happen again, as much as i like sex. At a certain point it stopped being about sex, it started to be about you and me, and our conversations and all the good things that happened.
But I need and deserve to be loved completely and i would like to love again. Maybe i'll get the chance or maybe i wont, but what i really want is to have fun, to meet different people and live as much as i can, the best way i know how, and despite everything you didn't took away from me.
I need to be strong and i will be strong, and thinking about you will stop hurting me. 
The first time it took almost 5 years after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend. This time it won't take not nearly as long. I PROMISE.

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