21.5.12

It seems all i've been doing in my life is waiting...and waiting...and waiting. For people to stop lingering in the past and stop living and apreciating the present, and what they have built for themselves. All the hardwork and dedication and sacrifices were meant for something! For people to stop being afraid of being happy, because they were raised in a certain way, built to obbey imprinted standards, even if there is no love, no respect, no caring, just someone whose sole purpose is to keep loneliness to a safe distance, even if they are unable to. Waiting for them to find out that even with someone beside them, it's just not right if it's not the right one. Tired of waiting for a chance, for some luck to fall without having to carve it out of some place, that i don't even know were it is anymore. Tired of being understanding when all i want to do is shout at all those who do not allow themselves a chance, including me. Waiting for someone to see me...waiting for something that i don't even know what it is anymore...it just doesn't make any sense...waiting to be a mother...waiting to have my own place...waintig to meet everyplace, were i haven't gone before, and only know because all the people i know have gone...waiting for time to go by and too afraid that it goes by too quickly, and when i look back there aren't enough good memories to keep me going....And i know i should stop bitching around and stop waiting so damn much and start doing...but i'm afraid, because i never believed in me, and neither did anyone else....Yes i'm down on that dark road again, but i feel it more like a ocean of dark waters that pull me under, and sometimes it almost feel too good to come up, to swim for air...sometimes the waiting for salvation is desapointing enough to make me wish to let go and just embrace peacefull and velvety feel of the water all around me. I find it day by day harder to keep my head above water, and sometimes i lose all control and will...nothing seems to mater anymore...i'm afraid of the future, but sometimes i wished for it to arrive without notice. I'm not afraid to die, i've allways believed it to be the most peacefull way not to be. I'm afraid of pain, of letting down someone i love, of not being able to live life, but not of death. It's just almost like the end of a movie....the two first english words i learnt to say: THE END

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